The One Minute Bible

The Old Testament – or, stop me if you've heard this one 

before.

Here you go, don't fuck up.

Um… avoid pork and try the fatted veal, I'm here all week.

Well THAT didn't take you retards long. Get in the boat. No shoving now, some of those animals bite. Let's give this another go.

. 

For fuck's sake, what is WRONG with you people? You're really starting to piss me off. Boils and sores for the lot of you. And Lot? Tell your wife to keep her eyes on the fucking road.

*sigh*

Make me some bricks or something.

I'm regretting this already but fine, here's a new list. Follow it.

Huh?

For fuck's sake. TEN things. I ask you to do TEN simple fucking things!

I said, CUT IT OUT!

If I have to pull this planet over, you're in big trouble!

You guys really piss me off.

The New Testament – takin' it on the road

OK. One last chance for you screw-ups to chill.

SO anyway. A Caananite, a Philistine and a good Samaritan walk into a Pharisee's office and ...

No?

Hey! Wanna see a cool card trick?

Ohhhh…. Ouch! Hey, hey hey!! That was just totally uncalled for. 

Everyone's a critic.

Um… I'll be back after a short break.

Uncool dudes, uncool.

Whoop 'em Pa.

 
I warned you.

OK everyone. Form two lines.

No, no… Televangelists and pedophiles to the left.

  Make sure you stay with your group leader.

Will someone please tell the French and the Germans to just work it out? They're going to be spending a LOT of time together. Thanks.

Shows over. Drink 'em up folk! You don't have to go home but you can't find eternal salvation here.

Thank you and good night!

Next: The Kliff's Notes Koran (from an undisclosed location)